


This Is Life Without You

by SangoChan2



Category: The Hobbit (2012), The Hobbit - All Media Types
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-04-11
Updated: 2013-04-11
Packaged: 2017-12-08 05:08:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,606
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/757405
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SangoChan2/pseuds/SangoChan2
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>'I never meant for this to happen, you must believe me...' Fili loves his brother more than anything, but there are different kinds of love and he worries that he loves him much more than he should...</p>
            </blockquote>





	This Is Life Without You

**Author's Note:**

> I sooo didn't want to ship these two. And I don't. Absolutely not. Not at all. Not ever. It's just that... Dean always looks at Aidan in such an adorable way ^^

# This Is Life Without You

I know it’s bad. I know. I don’t need anyone else telling me that, so be quiet...

... I’m even arguing with you in my head... That’s where you are, that’s the only place I can have this conversation with you. It’s the only safe way how to get this out...

Because I can’t tell anyone. There is no one who would understand, is there? I know what everyone would say if I told them I’ve fallen in love with my own brother... I can imagine talking to anyone in our company and know exactly how they would react... Uncle would never speak to me again. Balin would lecture me for hours about how something like this is absolutely unacceptable, like I didn’t know that already. And you...

You know... you know something is different. You don’t think about it too much, but you know... I could never tell you, it would kill me. It would hurt you...

It wasn’t like this before. You were with me most of my life, sleeping next to me, eating by my side, telling me about everything that made you happy and that made you sad... There was love before, of course there was, I love you. You’re my little brother... I know you better than anyone. I would die to protect you. It just never crossed my mind that one day...

When did it happen? When did it stop being so easy and uncomplicated and became so bloody difficult?

In Misty Mountains, that’s where. The moment I saw you vanishing from my reach on that rock... That’s when I realized. I must have known before, but this was when I realized... The fear I felt for you wasn’t only for my brother, it was fear for someone who‘s my entire world.

And then when you were in my arms again, when I knew you were safe, it dawned on me... It frightened me so much. I didn’t do it on purpose, you must believe me that, I didn’t want it. And I‘ve tried so hard to stop it... God knows I’ve tried...

It’s only better now because I don’t try to stop it anymore. I know there is no way how to do it...

When we reclaim Erebor and you meet some pretty girl, marry her and leave with her... It won’t change a thing, I will still love you, even then... That’s how it is. That’s how it goes in this world. I will let you go, I will smile at you and never let you see how terribly lonely and miserable my life will be without you. It will be hell... 

_I don’t want to leave you..._

I don’t want you to leave me either, I want you to stand by my side forever...

But it’s fine now, I can live with it. I have my duty as uncle’s heir, that will keep me busy if you leave. All I want is for you to be happy, that’s all that matters. And you being happy depends partly on you believing that I’m happy. So that’s why I’ll never tell you how I feel about you. Because you wouldn’t know how to deal with that. You would be sad about not being able to love me back that way and it would slowly destroy us both...

There are days when I wish I could tell somebody, anybody... even you, but I never will.

There are days... days when I can’t look at you without wondering what it would be like to kiss your lips, to run my fingers over your skin... I could ask you to let me kiss you. You would laugh at me but allow me to do it anyway. You wouldn’t ask why, you would just let me do it, thinking it would make me happy. It would. And than it would make me want to never see you again. You must never let me do that...

_I can’t refuse you anything, you know that..._

Yeah, I know. Because you love me too.

On those days I can’t sleep next to you. I’m afraid I could say something in my sleep and you’d hate me. So I go and sleep next to Balin and I see you over the fire, looking at me, wondering what you had done wrong. You think you had done something bad and that’s why I don’t want to sleep next to you... You love me the way we are supposed to love each other. And it’s tearing my heart to pieces to see you like that. Because it’s only my fault. Do you understand? You must understand...

_I don’t. You can tell me everything..._

No, I can’t. Things changed and now there is one thing I can’t tell you about...

'Fili, you’re gonna eat that?' Your voice. It's you, looking at me with your warm eyes...

'No,' I say and you grin at me as you snatch the rest of my food. And I have to smile back, because you have such a happy expression as you settle down next to me... You are like a child in these moments, you know that? You gobble the whole bowl and lie down, stretching a little before adjusting your cloak around you. 'This place gives me the creeps. It truly is a desolation, huh?'

Desolation... It’s what my life is going to be once all this is over and you leave. Desolation is life without you...

'Fili.' I wince. A whisper. 

'Hm?' The fire is flickering, so I throw few more branches on it...

You’re lying on your side, watching me. You should be sleeping, everyone else is asleep, it’s been such a long day... First the journey from the Lake town and then climbing all the way up here... I yawn. I could go with some sleep... Why am I always the one having the first watch?

'What’s wrong?'

I shoot a glance at you. You’re huddled under your cloak, your hood ruffling your hair. You’re beautiful. You’re the most beautiful being that has ever walked this earth...

Please, don’t ask me that. I don’t know what to tell you, I don’t want to lie to you...

'If you can’t tell me, tell someone else. I won’t get mad, just... tell anyone. I can see what it’s doing to you...'

Kili...

'There’s nothing to talk about...' I whisper back. That’s not a lie. There really is nothing to talk about. I would never talk about this.

You keep looking at me but I can’t look back at you. I just can’t... Tomorrow. I’ll be back to my normal self tomorrow and then we will talk and joke around again, all right? But I can’t do it now, I’m sorry...

_You remember those dreams I used to have? About a monster, that looked like you, trying to steal the real you away from me?_

Yeah.

_I think it was you. You’re the one separating us now..._

That’s not true. I’m doing this so that we could stay together, don’t you see?

I do this. From time to time I talk to you like this when I’m on the watch or before I fall asleep. I try not to but sometimes I can’t help it. It’s just in my head. I think it’s the only thing keeping me still sane. If I talk to you like this, if I tell you everything, I can go through another week safely... I tell you how this is bad and you reply precisely how I want you too. I tell you everything and we agree never to mention it again. I can look at you all I want because you’re not going to judge me. And then you brush your hand over mine, or my cheek, or my hair and tell me to kiss you. And I do, because it’s you who asked me, you who wants it. I close my eyes and kiss you and you kiss me back... And I breathe in your scent and tell you I love you. And you don’t push me away, you don’t run, you put your arms around me and hold me till I fall asleep...

'I’m cold,' you whisper and pull the cloak closer to yourself. It’s chilly, the winter’s coming.

So I throw some more wood on the fire and huddle next to you, putting my cloak over yours. It’s warm enough beneath them but your hands are ice cold and you’re shivering. I put my hand on your forehead, forcing myself to look into your eyes while doing so. But it’s only warm, not hot. No fever then. Good, that’s good. I take your hand and rub it between mine. Why are you shaking so much?

You nuzzle your head between my head and shoulder and close your eyes. I put my arm around you and press you to myself, brushing your hair from your cheek. I kissed you there, right under your ear, have you noticed? When I hugged you on that ledge in Misty Mountains... I was so happy you were safe, I didn’t mean to... but then I did it and got so scared you’ve noticed. But you haven’t, have you?

'Fili?' your hot breath on my skin.

'Hm?'

'You know I love you, right?'

I hug you closer. Sure I know. You’re my dearest brother, of course I know.

'I love you too,' I whisper back, not really knowing to which kind of love am I confessing.

You put one arm around me as well, shivering terribly. And then you gently press your lips to my neck...  


End file.
